i miss her, really

Nothing motivates a person more than love. At least that is what i believe in....

I've always told everyone that money is the driving force behind a person. Why does Man work? Come to think of it, His life journey starts from the day he was born, through the days of education, then comes him working for a living, probably retirement, and finally death. What is the purpose of one's living?

I hate my job. To put it simply, my dream's to be a forensic pathologist. Not an engineer. But who would have thought that dreams are just not what they're meant to be. Dreams are not unattainable. They can be realised. Ironically, one dreams of instances which would have had come within grasp if not for the notion that dreams are almost sky high or illusionary. Had i known that to be a forensic pathologist, i would have worked very hard during my childhood years, i would have done so. But would i have thought the same way then? Was i mature enough to know what my aspirations or dreams were then? No.

Here i am, day in day out. Doing something i dislike. No doubt the pay's high. Probably 3 times that of my peers, but do i feel happy? No.

Only today have i realised the driving force behind my life. Too late it seems. I do not have a happy family. i've always said that i'm more lonely and dejected at home than anywhere else. To find or acquire love from one's kins is never an easy task for me. Contrarily, it reiterates the fact that i'm probably the loneliest person on Earth.

I went to a secondary school function yesterday. I'd never thought of anyone or anything to do with my school since i left it. It was only last week when my friends contacted me and i'd said yes to the proposal that we attend this school function. Suddenly everything came back. Suddenly i longed for my secondary school days. That was when my mother was still well and healthy. When life was good to me. Those were the days when i was happier and more optimistic.

I had a crush on this girl back then. One could very well say it was my first crush in life. I had taken notice of I when i was in Secondary 2. She was then from another class. The only instances when i could catch a glimspe of her was during lunch recess. I was a prefect back then and was assigned to the back of the assembly. She was easily recognised from the assembled crowd. She would always have this black chic purse in her hand. While peers of her age would hanker cutesy stuff, she was always the more mature one. Always cool and elegant. Angelic.

It was soon Secondary 3 after streaming exercise at the end of exams. I remember clearly the first day of Secondary 3. I'd reached my new classroom early (I had always reached school early then) and after choosing which i felt was the best seat ( I was the only idiot who'd have reached school so early then), i left my schoolbag there and proceeded on to the canteen to have my breakfast.

Strolling into the classroom after my meal, i saw her. Could anyone have imagined the girl of my dreams is now seated right in front of me? Then, i'd thought: I'd get to see her everyday now. I was so thrilled then i had to suppress my emotions before anyone thinks i'm a crackpot. Have i ever thought that this would in fact present more dejection than happiness? No.

Like other pretty girls, she'd no less of suitors. Well, who'd take notice of a unattractive guy like myself? As much as i would have loved to chat with her, i kept within my boundaries. She, a rich pretty girl. And i, a poor unattractive guy. For the next two years of study, she was so near yet so far. An angel one could see, but not communicate with. I never told anyone about my crush on her then. Come to think of it, i should have done that then. Things would have been different. What was i to know of love then? Every second that i could spend with her became valuable considering that although we were all in the same class, we did not interact at all. I could only remember playing a single game of basketball with her together with a bunch of classmates. The last time i saw her was during a barbeque outing after we'd graduated from secondary school. It was raining then. And she look so ever pretty with her hair wet. That was in early 1997.

She went to a junior college after that. Stupid as i was, i went to a polytechnic. Never will see her again.

10 years later. Yesterday. Location: Secondary school. Two of my secondary school friends and i were about to cross the zebra-crossing in school when i caught a glimpse of her. She, driving a red Mazda 2, was about to whizz into the carpark when she saw us and peered through the window. I would have hugged my guy friend then. I was so taken aback. I'd finally seen her after 10 years! She, as pretty as before. The angel.

We were all led into the multipurpose hall where lines of seats awaited to be sat on. And she sat beside me. There were perfomances and everything, but all i could see was her. Her smile and giggles. Her voice. How i wished to tell her how much i like her. How i wished her to know how much i missed her. Oppressing one's feelings is one tough thing to do. Painful. But there i saw myself, a pathetic unattractive guy hankering after an angel.

She left soon after the performances.

Today. Is it a good thing to see her again after 10 years? The heartache has somehow surfaced again. The longing for her. Her smile, her giggles, her voice. In Louis Cha's novel, Yang Guo waited 16 years before he met his love. But he did know there's someone who'd reciprocate his love. Who'd do that for me?